Somebody’s lying here. Whoever could it be?

Former Florida Attorney General Pam Bondi represents President Trump at Senate impeachment trial. Source: screengrab

The prime-time impeachment of Donald John Trump is the best television since that BBC interview when Prince Andrew went so far as to call his pal Jeffrey Epstein’s pedophile sex-trafficking “conduct unbecoming.”

Maybe even better than the episode of Dancing with the Stars when Sean Spicer, dressed in a ruffled shirt the color of the toxic algae found on Florida rivers, slid into a cascade of confetti while the nation looked on, gob-smacked.

So let’s recap:

The Prosecution: Donald J. Trump is a lying liar who solicited interference in our elections from a foreign government, refusing to release congressionally mandated aid to Ukraine (an ally at war with Trump’s bestie Vlad P.) until the Ukrainian president said he’d dig up dirt on Hunter Biden  and his father Joe, who might well beat Trump like a rented mule in the 2020 election.

A gross abuse of power, in other words.

Donald J. Trump refused to cough up a single document or let anyone testify, not even the lady whose job it is to pick up his breakfast cheeseburgers every day, claiming that Article II of the Constitution gives him the power to do any damn thing he wants, and who cares that Congress is supposedly a co-equal part of government.

The Democrats say this shows Trump’s 1. Trying to cover up his malfeasance. 2. Acting like a dictator, and a tacky dictator, too, more Saddam Hussein than Louis XIV. 3. Guilty as sin.

The Defense: Donald Trump is a godly patriot trying to clean up corruption Abroad. Abroad is always corrupt, what with it being full of shifty foreigners and where the sons of Democratic presidential candidates run amok making a gazillion dollars a month.

Professor Alan Dershowitz used to think that a president needn’t commit an actual crime to get impeached, but that was way back in 1998, and now he knows better: Donald J. Trump is clean. Clean!

Also, if you want to impeach somebody, you should look into that Barack Obama fellow: Bengazi! Fast and Furious! Pallets of money to Iranian terrorists! Muslim coddling!

Did we mention Benghazi?

Donald J. Trump has committed zero crimes. Zero. The Trump cancer charity scam, the Trump University fraud, the Stormy Daniels campaign violation, and that time (dang, was it just a couple of weeks ago?) the nonpartisan General Accounting Office said withholding the Ukraine money was totally illegal, do not count.

Plus, the Democrats are lying liars who have never had a hit reality TV show.

Also plus, as Secretary of State and Exemplary Christian Mike Pompeo so aptly remarked when that uppity NPR chick had the effrontery to show off her geographical knowledge, “Do you think Americans care about Ukraine?”

Now, you may be wondering, what’s the Florida angle?

Because there has to be a Florida angle, aside from the Usual Suspects: Bridge-and-Tunnel Florida Man Donald Trump, recently declared a resident of Palm Beach County, and Soviet Florida Man Lev Parnas, out on bail and giving interviews that could best be described as “uncomfortable” for Bridge-and-Tunnel Florida Man Trump and his pet Shiny Object, Rudy Giuliani.

And speaking of shiny object, there she is! Trump defense lawyer Pam Bondi (who’s been pictured with Soviet Florida Man Lev Parnas) appearing before the Senate cameras, standing up for her president, dressed in an exquisite cocktail suit made of woven Brillo pads, refuting Democratic arguments in the ringing tones of an outraged junior high cheerleader.

Bondi, you will recall, was Florida’s attorney general. She accepted a $25,000 campaign donation from Trump’s “charitable” foundation (see above) and then decided not to investigate the strangely fraudulent Trump University.

A total coincidence.

But wait, there’s more! Florida’s junior Sen. Rick Scott is weighing in on impeachment and experimenting with what he undoubtedly considers “wit.”

He tweeted: “I’ve been held hostage with 99 other people in the U.S. Capitol. Why? Because the Democrats [email protected] and are trying to cover up @JoeBiden’s corruption.”

It would, of course, be in poor taste to bring up the subject of Rick Scott’s massive Medicare fraud.

Sounding eerily like that Talking Barbie which chirps, “Math is hard! Let’s go shopping!” Scott’s also calling the trial of the 45th president “boring.”

Democracy is hard! Let’s go to Iowa!

OK, Scott’s not really going to Iowa. Not yet. He’s merely running ads in Iowa – ads in which he whines that he’s “being subjected to the cruel and unusual punishment listening to the rantings of Adam Schiff, a person from a parallel universe,” ads in which he calls out Joe Biden as a “coward.”

Iowa has done nothing to deserve this – the nation has done nothing to deserve this!

Rick Scott is now running for president in 2024.

Diane Roberts
Diane Roberts is an 8th-generation Floridian, born and bred in Tallahassee, which probably explains her unhealthy fascination with Florida politics. Educated at Florida State University and Oxford University in England, she has been writing for newspapers since 1983, when she began producing columns on the legislature for the Florida Flambeau. Her work has appeared in the New York Times, the Times of London, the Guardian, the Washington Post, the Oxford American, and Flamingo. She has been a member of the Editorial Board of the St. Petersburg Times–back when that was the Tampa Bay Times’s name–and a long-time columnist for the paper in both its iterations. She was a commentator on NPR for 22 years and continues to contribute radio essays and opinion pieces to the BBC. Roberts is also the author of four books, most recently Dream State, an historical memoir of her Florida family, and Tribal: College Football and the Secret Heart of America. She lives in Tallahassee, except for the times she runs off to Great Britain, desperate for a different government to satirize.