The whiney martyrdom of pale American males led by bellyacher-in-chief Donald Trump

U.S. President Donald Trump speaks during a homecoming campaign rally on November 26, 2019 in Sunrise, Florida. Photo by Joe Raedle/Getty Images.

White men!

I know the world is a scary place, with people saying “Happy Holidays” instead of “Merry Christmas,” and certain women – your AOCs, your Ilhan Omars, your Gabrielle Unions –refusing to recognize your God-given privilege, while Mexicans, Muslims, and black folk lurk on every street corner waiting to steal your six-figure job or your place at Yale Law and, while they’re at it, destroy the American way of life.

I feel your pain. But do y’all have to act so douchey?

It must be difficult to stop yourselves, what with the president of the United States cuddling up to dictators, coddling war criminals, lying, rage-tweeting, and destroying the planet, but if Donald Trump jumped naked into a giant vat of tapioca pudding then rolled around in an ant bed, all the while hollering that he’s a victim, would you do it, too?

On second thought, don’t answer that question.

Donald Trump Jr., last seen taking 50 grand of student activity fees for an ill-disguised political rally at the University of Florida, decided it would be some awesome bro-fun to encourage vicious political fights at family holiday dinners.

Because insulting your cousin’s African American husband, your gay sister, and your liberal mother are all part of making America “great!”

Then there’s Florida’s own Rep. Matt Gaetz, R-DUI Gulch, last seen threatening Brian Kemp, the Republican governor of Georgia, because Kemp doesn’t want to appoint Trump lickspittle Doug Collins to the U.S. Senate seat being vacated by Johnny Isakson.

Gaetz tweeted at Kemp, “If you think you substitute your judgment for the president’s, maybe you need a primary in 2022.”

With the same spirit of intellectual inquiry that I’d urge you to read Mein Kampf, I recommend checking out this @MattGaetz, which quotes Donald Trump saying of Gaetz: “He’s a machine … handsome and going places.”

Along with Florida congressman Ross Spano, who’s been under federal investigation, Gaetz and the rest of the Omegas barged into an impeachment hearing because, like, they should have been invited to the party! It’s not fair!

Turns out, the many Republican representatives (all, by some odd coincidence, white guys) who were supposed to be in that room questioning witnesses about Trump’s attempts to bribe Ukraine for political favors, missed most of the hearings.

I’m not claiming that it’s only powerful white men behaving like toddlers on crack, it’s just that for every Deana Seltzer, the Lake Worth woman who punched her mother and stabbed her father because they wouldn’t take her to Outback Steakhouse, there are 100 hissy fits pitched in the White House, at Fox News, on golf courses, in boardrooms, and anywhere else white men feel dissed.

This can result in epic cluelessness. If you saw any of Prince Andrew’s defiantly awful television interview the other week, the one in which he described Jeffrey Epstein’s child sex trafficking as  “conduct unbecoming,” you know what I mean.

The prince didn’t get it – at least until everybody (including, reportedly, his mother) yelled at him, forcing him to retire from full-time royalness and get the hell out of the newspapers.

This is a positive development. Would that it worked in the U.S.

Despite white men still dominating Wall Street, the media, Congress, the judiciary, and religious and educational institutions, they’re scared. They know they’re demographically doomed.

So they’re going on the offensive, damn it, trumpeting their victimhood. For example, did you know that Christians in the U.S. are being “targeted”?

In a doom-laden commencement speech at Liberty University in May this year, Vice President Mike Pence told graduates to be ready to “suffer” for their faith.

Here in Florida (of course), the president of the Pentecostal-affiliated Southeastern University in Lakeland warns of “religious persecution.”

His examples include Christian students ridiculed on American campuses and that time she-wolf Sens. Mazie Hirono and Kamala Harris challenged a Trump nominee for the federal judiciary about his anti-gay, anti-women, anti-equality attitudes.

In olden times, persecution meant enslavement, pogroms, burning at the stake. Now it’s tough questioning.

The whiney martyrdom of pale American males continues apace, led by bellyacher-in-chief Donald Trump, a rich white man running a cartel-style government of rich white men for the benefit of rich white men, the reality of which will not stop him complaining of his ill treatment by women, people of color, NATO, Angela Merkel, China, CNN, the UN, the mayor of London, the Palestinians, Barack Obama, Adam Schiff, Greta Thunberg, and most of the wicked, uncaring, un-American world.

He’s a snowflake. And he’s beginning to melt.

Diane Roberts
Diane Roberts is an 8th-generation Floridian, born and bred in Tallahassee, which probably explains her unhealthy fascination with Florida politics. Educated at Florida State University and Oxford University in England, she has been writing for newspapers since 1983, when she began producing columns on the legislature for the Florida Flambeau. Her work has appeared in the New York Times, the Times of London, the Guardian, the Washington Post, the Oxford American, and Flamingo. She has been a member of the Editorial Board of the St. Petersburg Times–back when that was the Tampa Bay Times’s name–and a long-time columnist for the paper in both its iterations. She was a commentator on NPR for 22 years and continues to contribute radio essays and opinion pieces to the BBC. Roberts is also the author of four books, most recently Dream State, an historical memoir of her Florida family, and Tribal: College Football and the Secret Heart of America. She lives in Tallahassee, except for the times she runs off to Great Britain, desperate for a different government to satirize.