I don’t see any “white privilege,” do you?

Florida archives photo

Editor’s note: This is satire.

I don’t know about you, but I’m tired of all the haters.

White people invented everything–Big Macs, sales tax, Spanx, malls, Lite beer, Taylor Swift, the NFL–every single dang thing that makes the US of A the greatest nation in the galaxy.

You’re welcome.

Now all of a sudden, we’re the bad guys. Ungrateful brown immigrant children demand soap and toothbrushes. Navajos and Cherokees keep bitching about how we stole their land (should’ve had better guns, Chief!), and black people run around demanding reparations for slavery, like just because you were kidnapped, dragged here, forced to pick cotton for 250 years, then had to sit in the back of the bus, and still can’t get a bank loan, well, that’s not my fault.

Do you think it was all fun and games on the Mayflower with everybody constantly blowing chunks over the side of the boat? November in New England as cold as H-E-double-hockeysticks, too. As for those so-called “Native Americans:” they gave the Pilgrims some eels and passenger pigeon meat (not turkey and dressing!), then asked them to go back home.

Of course, real Americans don’t listen to that kind of defeatist crap.

My ancestors scrapped and struggled and sometimes got mud all over themselves to take that 20,000 acres of good bottom land away from the Seminoles.

It’s not like we had it easy.

These days we have to put up with Marxist she-devils like Ayanna Presley, Rashida Tlaib, plus that Alexandria Pizarro-DeSoto or whatever her name is going around saying, “I believe that in a modern, moral and wealthy society, no person in America should be too poor to live.”

What’ll she want next, free health care?

And that Ilhan Omar chick? She criticizes our best friend Israel! And our other best friend Saudi Arabia!

The president is right: she should go home to Africa, even if she has been an

American citizen longer than our classy and super-hot First Lady.

The rest of them need to go back to the architecturally-rich, culture-advancing, cuisine-fusing, education-loving hell holes they came from: Boston, Detroit, New York City.

Those places ain’t America, not the real America of Iowa cow pastures and Indiana cornfields, picket fences and 4th of July parades, dying downtowns and dirty water, meth labs and opioid addiction.

Heartland!

Thank you Jesus Lord for our own Sen. Rick Scott. He righteously defends the president and his little tweets, assuring us,  “I know the president, and I don’t believe he is a racist.”

Sen. Scott does not believe climate change is real, either, or that public education is a good thing.

Who are you going to trust, science or a man who pleaded the 5th 75 times and totally got away with it?

Sen. Scott knows it’s not just those four commies, it’s all the Dems. “They’ve become the anti-Semitic party now and so that’s wrong,” he says.

Dang straight! Real Americans love the Semitics and our little buddy Israel. OK, 75 percent of Jews vote for Democrats, but they aren’t real Jews. Not like our new governor’s besties Sheldon Adelson and Bibi Netanyahu.

I’m hoping both Gov. DeSantis and Sen. Scott and maybe the Navy Seals will step up to save Florida’s glorious white history from the socialists.

They’re taking Florida’s own Confederate General Edmund Kirby Smith out of Statuary Hall in Washington and replacing him with–political correctness alert!–some black lady.

General Kirby Smith was a hero! He didn’t surrender to the Yankees until nearly two months after Appomattox (nobody told him), then he escaped to Mexico and took ship for Cuba to seek asylum.

The Lake County Historical Society wants the statue of the general. But the Civil-War-was-all-about-slavery crowd say that it’ll just remind people of the Groveland Boys, who got themselves in trouble over a white girl, forcing Sheriff Willis McCall to shoot two of them.

Everywhere you go, our white heritage is under attack. Don’t even get me started on Miami, where decent English-speaking folks are scared to go.

The Cubans are OK–they kind of want to go back to where they came from, and they’re reliable Republican voters. But why do they and all those other Hispanic types have to speak Hispanic day and night, even in the mall?

Them and their cortaditos and their tres leches and their damned tasty sandwiches.

Man, it must have been great when this continent was mostly empty, except for white people. OK, there were a few natives, but they weren’t building factories and stores and things, just living off the land.

And yeah, a handful of Hispanic types in St. Augustine. And Santa Fe. And some Africans in Virginia. And South Carolina. And passenger pigeons and eels.

They talk about “white privilege.” Huh. I don’t see any “white privilege,” do you?

We’re only about 60 percent of the population. We control a paltry 92 percent of the national wealth.

We have the US Senate, the Supreme Court, and the White House (why do you think they called it that?), state houses, most Fortune 500 companies, Wall Street, the media and the universities. But it could all disappear, fade away, pouf!

Then what do we have? Multi-culturalism. And that’s unAmerican.

Diane Roberts
Diane Roberts is an 8th-generation Floridian, born and bred in Tallahassee, which probably explains her unhealthy fascination with Florida politics. Educated at Florida State University and Oxford University in England, she has been writing for newspapers since 1983, when she began producing columns on the legislature for the Florida Flambeau. Her work has appeared in the New York Times, the Times of London, the Guardian, the Washington Post, the Oxford American, and Flamingo. She has been a member of the Editorial Board of the St. Petersburg Times–back when that was the Tampa Bay Times’s name–and a long-time columnist for the paper in both its iterations. She was a commentator on NPR for 22 years and continues to contribute radio essays and opinion pieces to the BBC. Roberts is also the author of four books, most recently Dream State, an historical memoir of her Florida family, and Tribal: College Football and the Secret Heart of America. She lives in Tallahassee, except for the times she runs off to Great Britain, desperate for a different government to satirize.

20 COMMENTS

  1. You are the greatest idiot the world has ever seen
    The world suffers from ignorant morons like whoever the hell just wrote this stupid article. Shouldn’t even be legal

  2. And they go to their big university’s and think they know how everything works and what’s right and wrong. With all their degrees those selfish bastards think they know what life is about.

  3. What dribble. This was not an inventive or cleverly written bit of satire. Very ham-handed, and did not adequately address the myth of white privilege. There does exist a privilege- a victim mentality that has become very fashionable. I’m looking forward to the time turning once again when people are self reliant and held accountable for their actions.

  4. Most people are just riding the coattails of people they don’t even know anything about or what they went through. I personally think their ancestors would be quite ashamed of them!

  5. And let’s ignore all the history that proves non-white people are just as bad.
    Let’s ignore that capitalism has lifted millions all over the world out of poverty. What we need is communism, ignore the fact that it’s already killed millions, it kill only a few million this time, they promise.

  6. Would love to see her debate Blitzer or Anderson. Also, and what do you think about the crazy snowflake that wants to ban childless couples from Disneyland.

  7. My sentiments exactly! I’ve been writing this article in my head for a couple of weeks and now I don’t need to!!! I’m only third generation Floridian (born in Lake City and now retired in Ocala). I can barely stand to tell anyone that I’m from this state, country or have these imbeciles in power without the top of my head coming off so thank you for your brilliant satire/truth.

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